Homesickness vs wanderlust

I was talking with a few of my coursemates today, when the subject of homesickness came up. They were talking about how far home was, and how expensive it was to go home, and how good home life was. I wouldn't say that I can't relate, but then I do not feel the same amount of homesickness that others may feel.

I have discovered a long time ago that I have wanderlust, or the opposite of homesickness. I have this urge to explore the world, usually by myself, and not look back.

In fact, I think I still have the tendency to just move on.

Which is odd, considering that I am a creature of habit, and resists change somewhat.

Which is why when change comes to me, it comes in huge waves.

When I left my Chinese school to study at another school, it was one of those big changes that came to me. I left knowing that I will be leaving behind a group of friends and acquaintances, and I did. I never looked back.

When I left RBS, the same things kinda just happened. When everyone else had reunions, updates, get-togethers and what-not, I was just one of those "missing-ones". Until I received a message from one of my dorm-mates Adam today.

When I left Form 6, i also left with the sense that I will probably never see most of the people in my class again. We only had one reunion, and that was about it. If Michele were not in USM as well, chances are that we might not talk to each other as often. I almost never talk to any of them anymore (except Wai Hoe and Michele) and those who I currently work with in AIESEC (Wilson and Yee Leng). I have almost shed my Michaelian identity.

I have a feeling that when I leave USM, I will be facing the same situation. I will remember some of my coursemates, but not all of them. I will totally forget some of them (either through forgetfulness or purposely). I will most likely not be in contact with many of these people. I wonder if my fellow AIESECers will have the same fate.

I am still wandering, looking for a new place to go to. My next target: Singapore.

I am wondering if my wanderlust is due to the sense of not belonging in this country. For some reason, I have never felt any inclination of loyalty to my "homeland". I don't feel the conviction when singing the national anthem. Never being welcome, and never fitting in, I have made the unconscious decision that this is not my home.

I have always said that if ever I could leave, I would never, never ever return. It is apt that my whole life has revolved around that pattern, and I have a strong feeling that this pattern will continue.

...Few know what you are...

After a harrowing series of events that have happened in the recent weeks, I finally took a small break (by watching a movie that is related to my coursework, how sad). I was rewatching Zhang Yi Mou's Hero (starring Jet Li, Tony Leong, Maggie Cheung and Donnie Yen) to observe the lighting and colour concepts used in the movie.

That is not what I will talk about in this post.

The Qin Emperor, also known as the First Emperor of China, Shi Huang Ti, has always been demonized in the accounts of Chinese Literature and myths that I have been exposed to in school. Sure, he was a great general who managed to capture and unite all the warring states of China, and build architectural wonders such as the Great Wall, but all this came a a great price of untold human suffering and death. Therefore, it has always been concluded that he, like some of the other monarchs and rulers of history, is a cruel tyrant and oppressor.

In The Prince and The Discourses, Niccolo Machiavelli states that: "to reconstitute political life in a state presupposes a good man, whereas to have recourse to violence in order to make oneself prince in a republic supposes a bad man. Hence very rarely will there be found a good man ready to use bad methods in order to make himself prince, though with a good end in view.

"Nor will any reasonable man blame him for taking any action, however extraordinary, which may be of service in the organizing of a kingdom or the constitution of a republic. It is a sound maxim that reprehensible actions may be justified by their effects, and that when the effect is good, it always justifies the action. For it is the man who uses violence to spoil things, not the man who uses it to mend them, that is blameworthy."

A Prince should therefore disregard the reproach of being thought cruel where it enables him to keep his subjects united and loyal. For he who quells disorder by a very few signal examples will in the end be more merciful that he who from too great leniency permits things to take their course and so result in chaos and bloodshed; for these hurt the whole state, whereas the severities of the Prince injure individuals only.

It is essential therefore, for a Prince who desires to maintain his position, to have learned how to be other than good, and to use or not his goodness as necessity requires.

Everyone sees what you seem to be, but few know what you are."

Sometimes, it can be lonely at the top. It can be lonely being a leader. You may be criticised, you may be slandered, disliked, hated, or even rebelled against. But that is the price of being a leader. To take up individual suffering in order that the organisation or institution can prosper. In order to keep order and peace, a leader must instill discipline, and to make all united the leader must be the uniting factor.

Everyone sees what you seem to be, but few know what you are. This rings true and deep to me. It summarizes the whole ordeal I have been dealing with all my life. And gives me the strength to continue in what I have been doing, believing that one day, it will all be worthwhile.

The Qin Emperor might have really been a tyrant, or he was just trying to end a war that has been going on for centuries, and uniting a group of opposing states into a nation of true strength have brought peace to the land for many years to come. There were many individuals who suffered in the process, but it was for "the greater good".

Just something I read today

The following excerpt was taken from the post-credit thoughts from "The Big Bang Theory, episode 9 of season 3:

"CHUCK LORRE PRODUCTIONS, #269

I have long believed that part of our problem with resolving race issues in America is our inability to accurately name what we are. Aside from the occasional Johnny and Edgar Winter, there are no white people. Any child with a box of crayons can tell you that white people are, in fact, beige. The sickly ones are gray. Following this crayon logic, one can easily see that there are really no black people.They are brown. Or perhaps raw umber. Or maybe, burnt sienna. Frankly, every time I hear someone comment on Americas first black president, I can't help thinking "No, he’s not. He's more like caramel." Which is why I think we should all get in the habit of calling each other what we really are. How can you racially slur a man by calling him beigey or umber? The answer is you can’t. Because that’s exactly what he is. The melanin doesn’t lie. Buy a box of Crayolas and see for yourself We are all members of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People. Can I hear a kumbaya? "




I think it should apply here as well. Instead of labeling people, maybe calling them by what they really are without pigeon-holing or stereotyping them can solve some prejudicial issues. Or maybe it won't.

That's why when I was in school, I never let the "label" of "black hair yellow skin" apply to me... Yellow skin is for jaundiced people!!! My liver works fine, thank you very much!!

So quoting from Chuck, "Can I hear a Kumbaya?

Unexpected Outcomes...

Almost two years ago, I went under the tutelage of a great sales person. I learned the basics of investment; I learned how to persuade people; I learned how to take risks; I learned what it meant to be a salesperson.

I learned fast. I sold fast. I closed deals faster than I could make new ones.

I was "promoted" to "Sales Supervisor" within a month.

My "salary" was worth five figures.

I sold RM 200'000 worth of "product".

Then I quit. I lost momentum.

Today, I work as the External Relations Manager for one of the largest student-run organizations in the world. I learn how to lead people; I learn how to work in a team; I learn how to approach people in authority.

Yet, I am struggling to meet the targets that were laid down since the last planning meet. I keep asking for explanations, justifications, excuses. Nothing seems to fit.

Today, I learned that the place I learned my skills from is part of an illegal conglomerate formed to dupe people. I am one of those who got duped. Along with all the people I approached, and all the people I managed to convince. Yet it was in this "company" that I learned what it is like to take risks, and to muster the courage to talk to people. The experiences that I gained from this illegal activity, now, in hindsight, gives me the insight and knowledge that I would not be duped by something similar ever again.


You learn things from the most unexpected sources.

Usual events can have unusual outcomes that shock and surprise you.




*P.s. I am sorry to all those that got "duped" because of me. But please remember that I did not know the reality of what I was doing until much later, and that I am a victim as well.

Blablabla

Almost two months since my last post, been extremely busy lately. not in the mood for long winding prose, so just gonna make this brief.

1. People are idiots. if you sat on a thumb tack for goodness sake stand up and remove it from your ass. Don't keep sitting there complaining about the pain in your ass because you will then become mine. Which means I will have to remove you.

2. I am going to Singapore. As an escort. And hopefully end up with five more days to explore the island ALL BY MYSELF (good luck trying to find enough "free entertainment" to last that long).

3. Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri to those of my friends celebrating it.

4. I am an INTP. Deal with it. Or not.

5. I hate evaluations. Some of the criteria do not make sense to me.

6. What to do? what to do?

7. Still waiting for change to come. OR maybe I am resisting change. Or I am exhibiting passive-aggressive behaviour.

8. WIll stop jabbering now.

.

Nothing much to say seems to be what I am saying a lot lately. Nothing to say, no opinions, just take it as it comes.

But not today. Today I stood in front (actually besides) the student leaders of USM to voice out what seemed to me to be right.

It is easy to be inspired by some of their oratory skills. They are a large group of highly talented and motivated people. But why is there still an "us and they" mentality cropping up in my head?

Orientalism is really getting to me.

And I am constantly in a bad mood now. not enough sleep. not enough food. wondering when I am going to get my loan money.

Infection of my toenail still not well even after seeing the doctor.

These things contribute to my mood or lack of it these days.

WHY AM I HERE?

Sorry if i snap at you when you talk to me, I am just having a bad month, and I haven't gotten a chance to argue with someone that day.

Debate puts me in my element.

I love debate, the great battle of wits between giants. The wile and wit of the speakers.

I also love being random.

Sigh.

The Best Things in the World

There is a saying: The best things in the world are free. I think so too..

The best gift is one we do not expect, and one we do not deserve.
The best promotion comes as a surprise, not as an expectation.
The results that give the most joy come at the most critical moment, and tuns out for the better despite expectations of failure.
The best food is when you are starving, and suddenly gets a morsel to fill you up.

The best friend is also free, free to hear your problems, free to help you, free to give you a tight slap to remind you, free to urge you to do better.

Oh that all our things become free!