Super sucky day

Today really sucks for me...

First of all, I have an extremely long to do list, which includes getting my semgred all ready and prepared for shipping so that I can get a confirmed offer from HKU. The exams unit previously said that it would be ready on the 20th, TODAY!!!

Then I get a phone cal telling me to pay up, and that the results will not be out until the 27th!!!! I can't really afford to wait until the 27th!!! Those documents must reach before 15 July!!! in Hong Kong!!! Which means that now, on top of everything, I need to fork out more money to pay for EXPRESS POSTAL SERVICES.

And the payment for the semgred was dreadful. I almost died there. There were only 3 people ahead of me, but I had to wait for MORE THAN 30 MINUTES!!! Just to pay RM30 for the friggin semgred!! Which took me only 2 minutes, so I don't understand why I had to wait so long.

And apparently, it takes about 1 month to process my EPF application. 1 MONTH!

And now, there is a problem with the lazy bureaucrats, who either forgot, or neglected to send the letter of my appointment as a research assistant to the bursary AFTER 1 and a half months!!! So now, no letter, no pay!!

And my ear infection has been bugging me the whole day...

TO top it all, my blackberry crashed, and I cannot make or receive any calls or messages even until now!!

Could this day get any worse?

How I yearn for another place.

This is an accumulation of frustrations that I have faced in the past couple of months. I have been letting out these thoughts in small bits and pieces over that same period, and this is a wish list that I have (that I wish will come true in the very near future).

I wish for a place where excellence is expected out of every student, and where each student strives for excellence, not just mediocrity. I do not want to compete with myself anymore. Let me be a small fish in a big pond, that I may learn more.

I wish for a place where people keep asking for more knowledge, more ways to gain knowledge, and not be content with what they already have. I want to have PEERS for once, people I can talk to at an intellectual level. I hate being unchallenged intellectually.

I wish for a place where people take everything as a learning point. Every hardship has something to teach us. I hate be in a place where everything is spoon-fed, and where everybody expects handouts and spoon-feeding. I hate the spoon-feeders, and I am fed-up with the spoon-fed.

I wish for a place where my achievements are really celebrated. I wish for a place where I do not receive what I do not deserve. I want to earn everything I lay claim of ownership on.

I wish for a place where people are evaluated based on their merit and effort, and not because of their race. I HATE IT when people are given certain perks or privileges based on their race. I AM AGAINST giving people what they have not earned. I AM AGAINST affirmative action programs. These programs make me lose ALL respect for the people whom they assist. I will only respect a person based on merit.

I wish for a place where the non-deserving are rooted out and systematically failed. They do not deserve degrees if they are not willing to work hard for it. You should not be able to pass a course simply by being enrolled in it. That is not how an educational system should work. No wonder people complain about the employability of local graduates. 70% or more are RUBBISH. THEY do not deserve to graduate.

I wish for a place where I can call it like I see it. Words that people consider taboo, like STUPID, or RUBBISH, should be able to be used when they are really applicable, not hushed because they sound harsh. People should wake up and realize that they are not as good as they think they are. They think that the 'real world' is out there, but the fact remains that they will still be in a cradle ( more like a coconut shell) just because they do not want to take the extra effort.

One must not live eternally in a cradle. But there are those who are doomed forever. The imbeciles, the ignorant, the indifferent ones who "have it all" in this country and do not even want to make the extra effort. FIE on you.

I wish I could leave. And when I do leave on 31 August 2011, it will be my liberation from this place. My true MERDEKA. I really wish to leave.

So this is how it looks like.

Firstly, I have to apologize because my blog post has nothing to do with how something looks. It's just something I came up with randomly.

I have a minor follicle infection, on my eyelid, which I would not have even noticed if it was not for my friend who had to fork out RM500 to pay for the removal of the huge scab on her eyelid the last time she got infected. Am on a regiment of antibiotics and eye cream now. (Eye ointment is blurring my vision slightly, but oh well.)

I have experienced a general sense of moodiness and gloominess all around me this semester. People around me get moody for no apparent reason (that I know of), and as a result, I am also infected with this moodiness. Symptoms include desperate need to shut out the world, to sleep and be unproductive (which is unhealthy), and to snap at whatever dares to cross my way.

That being said, I have had such types of days for more than 5 times this semester (since we are only in week 4, that averages to 1.2 times a week).

And that being said, I would like to comment that this is not even the semester with the heaviest workload in my academic career so far. I am only taking 5 courses. This should be easy to get through. But it is not.

Somehow I am not enjoying my life as much as I used to. My timetable sucks. I feel drained all the time. Dealing with stupid people, dealing with another type of stupid people (who are actually not academically stupid, just a different type of stupid. (You can't always have things your own way. I hope you realize that before your support system falls apart and you limp lifelessly like a marionette without strings)).

There. That's about it for now. So much complaining, not enough living.

Interview Mania

I think that I have a deep fear of interviews. Maybe because I never seem to do well in interviews as opposed to paper applications.

I mean, just take a look at my track record. I have interviewed for 3 LR positions in AIESEC (VPOGX, NST for ER and VPComm) and failed miserably each time. Once bitten, twice shy, thrice D'oh! And each time I have been told to try again. Well, not anymore.

Anyways, the reason I will not try again anymore is not because of the said interview-phobia, but rather my plans to continue my studies elsewhere. Then again, I digress.

So imagine my surprise when I received not one, but two emails requesting for me to attend interviews on the telephone. The first one was from NUS, and the other from HKU. This is because I have submitted applications to these universities to pursue my post-graduate studies in English Literature.

Once again, interviews are scary. In the middle of my NUS interview, I actually ran out of saliva and my entire mouth went super dry which made it extremely hard to speak.

Anyways. I really hope to gain admissions to at least one good university (along with a studentship) because I wouldn't be able to study my Masters anyway else.

On a side note, I have finished reading John Steinbeck's The Grapes of Wrath. It was quite a depressing read, especially the part where the farmers actually destroyed their crops because they would rather nobody got them than people getting them for free, because most of the people were too poor to pay for the crops anyways.

As I read that chapter, I have this nagging feeling that such a thing is still happening today. However, there is no way to prove that.

I will be going to Johor and then Singapore for a long trip from 11 to 23 December. Gonna imagine myself being in a solo leg of The Amazing Race. :P

What are my plans for the next year?

It has been a few hectic days, because of a new addition to my current plans after I graduate: to study Masters by research, preferably overseas.

Originally, the plan was to apply to the UK, Singapore and USM. I have decided not to apply for UK for the time being because of funding issues. However, only applying to NUS and USM seems to be a thin spread for me. I was actually doing research on other possible locations to do my Masters in English Language and Literature. Countries such as Australia, New Zealand, Canada, USA and even the Philippines were considered, but scrapped.

Then, the QS Rankings were released, which opened up a new opportunity that I have never considered before (but why, I never know). I have discovered Hong Kong University and the Chinese University of Hong Kong as possible locations for me to further my studies :)

I am not a big fan of ranking systems, such as the QS rankings, because it is sometimes hard to be totally objective in the measurement criterion of something with so large a range as the universities in the world (just as I believe that exchange numbers should not be the sole criteria to determine the strength and sustainability of a local AIESEC chapter, but that is a different story altogether). I was not moved much by the fact that HKU is the top ranking university in Asia (for the second time, if not mistaken) but I was interested by the research quality and some of the output of the graduate students there.

Another point to note: all the universities that I plan to apply to are situated on islands. Penang, Singapore and Hong Kong. All of these locations also have a strong British colonial past, which has greatly affected to architecture and administration of the islands. My final dream is to read my PhD in London, which is located on an island, and the heart of British culture. You can really say that I am an Anglophile :P

So, if all goes well, I will be doing my Masters in August/September 2011, after I graduate from USM with a B.A. (hons) English Language and Literature Studies. That will be what I am working towards from today.

21 books I have to read before my graduation

Below is a list that I have compiled of books outside my required reading list that I have decided to finish reading before my graduation date.

The reason for this list is because I feel that the current repertoire of read books that I have is by no means extensive enough. The other reason is because then I would have a reason or purpose to strive for in the betterment of self.

The list of 21 books I have to read before graduating (in no particular order)

1. Dead Souls by Nikolai Gogol

2. War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy

3. Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad

4. Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte

5. Don Quixote by Miguel de Servantes Saavedra

6. Les Miserables by Victor Hugo

7. The Divine Comedy by Dante Alighiery

8. In Search for Lost Time by Marcel Proust

9. The Iliad by Homer

10. The Odyssey by Homer

11. The Aeneid by Virgil

12. The Old Man and the Sea by Ernest Hemingway

13. The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck

14. Madam Bovary by Gustav Flaubert

15. Ulysses by James Joyce

16. The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain

17. A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens

18. On The Road by Jack Kerouac

19. To The Lighthouse by Virginia Woolf

20. The Portrait of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde

21. Hamlet by William Shakespeare

I will update the blog every time I finish reading a book on this list, and cross it out. The update will include a brief review or my experiences reading that particular book.

If you have any suggestions for me to include in the next list of books I will read, do drop me a comment and I will put it into consideration.

And of course, just because it is not on the list does not mean that I will not read that book. I still have my compulsory reading materials and books like Days of Change by Chuah Guat Eng (highly recommended, by the way), Joseph Andrews by Henry Fielding, Gulliver's Travels by Jonathan Swift and the list goes on and on.

I sure hope that I can finish this assignment that I have laid down for myself.

Homesickness vs wanderlust

I was talking with a few of my coursemates today, when the subject of homesickness came up. They were talking about how far home was, and how expensive it was to go home, and how good home life was. I wouldn't say that I can't relate, but then I do not feel the same amount of homesickness that others may feel.

I have discovered a long time ago that I have wanderlust, or the opposite of homesickness. I have this urge to explore the world, usually by myself, and not look back.

In fact, I think I still have the tendency to just move on.

Which is odd, considering that I am a creature of habit, and resists change somewhat.

Which is why when change comes to me, it comes in huge waves.

When I left my Chinese school to study at another school, it was one of those big changes that came to me. I left knowing that I will be leaving behind a group of friends and acquaintances, and I did. I never looked back.

When I left RBS, the same things kinda just happened. When everyone else had reunions, updates, get-togethers and what-not, I was just one of those "missing-ones". Until I received a message from one of my dorm-mates Adam today.

When I left Form 6, i also left with the sense that I will probably never see most of the people in my class again. We only had one reunion, and that was about it. If Michele were not in USM as well, chances are that we might not talk to each other as often. I almost never talk to any of them anymore (except Wai Hoe and Michele) and those who I currently work with in AIESEC (Wilson and Yee Leng). I have almost shed my Michaelian identity.

I have a feeling that when I leave USM, I will be facing the same situation. I will remember some of my coursemates, but not all of them. I will totally forget some of them (either through forgetfulness or purposely). I will most likely not be in contact with many of these people. I wonder if my fellow AIESECers will have the same fate.

I am still wandering, looking for a new place to go to. My next target: Singapore.

I am wondering if my wanderlust is due to the sense of not belonging in this country. For some reason, I have never felt any inclination of loyalty to my "homeland". I don't feel the conviction when singing the national anthem. Never being welcome, and never fitting in, I have made the unconscious decision that this is not my home.

I have always said that if ever I could leave, I would never, never ever return. It is apt that my whole life has revolved around that pattern, and I have a strong feeling that this pattern will continue.